French psychiatrist/psychoanalyst Paul-Claude Racamier was born on May 20, 1924. He died on August 18, 1996 (https://tinyurl.com/3ts59vvm).
It is Dr. Racamier who came up with the term “pervers narcissique”. One must say “pervers OR perverse narcissique” rather since this personality disorder is not gender-based. In other terms, anyone can be narcissitic. Although his term does not seem to have an equivalent in the English-speaking literature, we can perhaps think that it refers to “extreme narcissism”, that is individuals with a narcissitic personality disorder or highly toxic persons. The latter act like predators and even enjoy making the life of their victims miserable. They are surely not just people with narcissitic traits, which could be anyone of us. They are “extreme narcissists”, let’s remember.
Thankfully, people with a narcissitic personality disorder remain the exception in our societies (1% to 6% of the population). However, they are hard to spot when we encounter them. Indeed, they might be charming or even charismatic. We might be more vulnerable than usual when we meet them. They might be skilled at detecting our flaws or insecurities. They often intensely engage in seduction or idealization. This initial stage, commonly called “love bombing”, can happen within any type of relationship, not only a romantic one.
Of note, it might take victims time to understand with whom they are dealing. This often occurs after they have been under the influence of their predators. Yes, it is extremely painful, and even dangerous, to be the target of such manipulators.
Using Dr. Racamier own words: “The narcissistic pervert movement is an organized way of defending oneself from any internal pain or contradiction, and expelling it to smoulder elsewhere, while at the same time over-valuing oneself. All this at the expense of others and not only without pain but with pleasure… The object of narcissistic perversion is interchangeable: nothing more and nothing less than a puppet. It’s a utensil”.
As well explained by Dr. Racamier in his book entitled “The Genius of Origins”, “there is nothing to be gained from associating with narcissistic perverts; one can only hope to escape unscathed“. Of course, to escape these toxic relationships for good, one must be mentally ready, equipped with clarity about the patterns of communication, or functioning, of these toxic people.
Depending on each unique story, victims must have a safe exit plan (i.e., abuse often increases at the moment of separation) and a reliable support system, which may even include a clinician like a psychologist.
This being said, leaving toxic relationships is very hard. Thankfully, help is available. One must also keep in mind that escape may not be a viable or preferred option for different reasons, including children or financial reasons. Luckily, clarity and learned coping strategies can help protect the victims’ sanity while staying in these relationship. Of course, in cases involving immediate danger of harm, running away is a must.
Ending a toxic relationship is a huge step forward, bravo. However, it is just half of the battle. One must remain disciplined day after day, night after night, to truly leave for good and resist any return back into the relationship whether initiated by the predator or even by the victim. Walking away is a long journey. Like any other grief process, it needs time, patience, discipline, support, self-reflection/therapy, and lots of self-compassion mixed with self-forgiveness.
