Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, Dr. Fred Luskin is an international expert of forgiveness, namely of self and of others. Bambi is inspired by his research and practice. Indeed, she is currently reading his uplifting book, “Forgive for Good” (https://tinyurl.com/ye9t9dvr) that she highly recommends, if you are interested.
How does Dr. Luskin define forgiveness? For him, it is the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story” (https://tinyurl.com/59t889bu). In other terms, as per Dr. Luskin, “forgiving is making peace when you didn’t get what you want… t’s making peace with the fact that you were disappointed or hurt or abandoned, or whatever it is – it’s returning to equilibrium” (https://tinyurl.com/44zwns92).
In the enriching four-year-old interview he gave to “Mediation Online” reported above and in the following paragraphs (https://tinyurl.com/44zwns92), Dr. Luskin was invited to reflect on the meaning of Yom Kippur, which is the day devoted to atonement in Judaism.
For those who do not know it, this day is all about asking for forgiveness for the sins against G-D (= God) and from people that have been wronged. This day of fasting and prayers is generally spent in a place of worship called synagogue. Here are Dr. Luskin’ ‘s positive words: “I think Yom Kippur is a very powerful holiday and the most important part about it is that it normalizes the fact we harm others and ourselves. If you honestly look at your own behavior and see where you have missed the mark, and you try in any way you can to make amends to G-d or to people, you become a better person. You become more humble, more sincere and if you really do it you become less defensive. It can be presented as a practice of great mental health. Normalizing it is really important. This is good human practice, and if you actually do it, your relationships will benefit (https://tinyurl.com/44zwns92).
To another question on the difference with the way Catholics approach the reception of forgiveness, Dr. Luskin expressed the following thoughts: “Yom Kippur is different to the Catholics who might go to their priest once a month for a few minutes. On Yom Kippur, you are not eating for 25 hours, not doing any of the things that you would normally do which distract you – that’s a pretty deep dive. It’s a ritual yes, and you could say that 364 days I am an idiot but if you really, really look at your behavior and probably start with the people you love – you will have sincere regret and sincere desire to do better. So it may be once a year, but if you grow up in that tradition, and you have started doing that since the age of 12 or 13, and you are 40 years of age, that is a powerful practice, if you actually do it. I also don’t believe that the Jewish tradition is that you observe Yom Kippur once a year and that gives you a license to behave any way that you want all the other days. It does not. It is a very pro social phase, but that one day, looking at yourself honestly in the eye, is not like going to a priest and having them absolve you. This is you looking yourself in the eye and if over the years you get more honest with yourself, then the process gets deeper, so I think it a wonderful process” (https://tinyurl.com/44zwns92).
How well explained. How elegantly phrased. How inspiring. Of course, many other religions, philosophies, and cultures also encourage forgiveness. Of note, one of the most powerful examples related to forgiveness, if we chose this healing journey, which is an act of self-love and personal freedom (from hurt or long grievances), came from the most famous Jewish man of all times (i.e., the Messiah or God for Christians). Indeed, Jesus is known to have said while on the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”.
Another teaching moment about forgiveness is when Mr. Gibran Tueni, a late veteran Lebanese journalist, editor, and diplomat called to “bury hate and revenge” at the funeral of his cowardly assassinated son (i.e., Gibran Tueni, also a journalist and a free thinker).
Regardless of our motivations to want to forgive or not to forgive, Dr. Luskin mentions two key ingredients: (1) empathy (i.e. less narcissism and no self-centeredness) and gratitude (i.e., the capacity to “balance the painful things in life with the good things in life“) (https://tinyurl.com/44zwns92). If there is one sentence that resonates with Bambi from Dr. Luskin’s book (p. 69), it is the following one: “Forgiveness is even though you are wounded you chose to hurt and suffer less“.
To conclude this post, for the readers who will be highlighting Yom Kippur tonight at sunset, “Gemar chatimah tovah” and may your fast be as smooth as possible; of course, if you are not sick and you can or want to fast. Bambi is not into fasting despite her own personalized spirituality. Yes, she loves food too much to fast. She has a good excuse tonight: she is not Jewish : )! However, she feels for you, dear readers who are fasting. All the best and enjoy your own journey, each one of you, especially the fruitful self-reflection, and any commitment to becoming a better version of yourselves. May you be filled with increased humanity, respect, and love toward both yourselves and others.
